Sunday, June 12, 2005

The Root Directory of All Evil

How the Internet Got Me Hooked on Crack and Turned My Trick Ass Out

Not me not me, bo bot me, banana fanna fo fot me, me my mo mot me… NOT ME!

What the hell happened to the concept of personal responsibility in this country? Our children are uncontrollable hellions, and it’s all the fault of those insidious video games. Our religious leaders bugger little boys and it’s quietly brushed under the rug for years. Our intrepid political leaders tell bigger and bigger and lies, engage in illegal wars, destroy the environment, and commit crimes against humanity… and then just sort of shrug their shoulders and smirk. They’re not worried, they know they’ll never be taken to task for their misdeeds, because no one in America is ever responsible for their own actions. We are taught from a very early age to look outside ourselves to find the basis of all of our problems. It wasn’t my fault, it was the drug addiction/my dysfunctional childhood/road rage/that Twinkie I ate for dessert… the Internet! Yeah, that’s it… I blame the Internet!

There’s a group of wacko religious types (redundant much?) in Texas who claim “The Internet is a cause for addiction and sin while taking away traditional family values. Our children are being exposed to filth that causes sexual tendencies and drug addiction.” Just reading those two sentences makes my head want to explode. Twice. Thankfully these troglodytes uncovered the seldom seen “Thou shalt not surf porn” commandment that so many of us overlooked lo these many years. And “sexual tendencies”? Not deviant sexual tendencies… not abnormal sexual tendencies… they’re not afraid of perversion, they’re afraid of sex in general. The irony is that I’d wager dollars to donuts that no one in their right mind would want to fuck these people anyway. And I would simply love to hear how they make a correlation between the Internet and drug addiction. They must have found that website that sends heroin direct to your door overnight for a nominal fee. And the fuckers won’t even post the link.

But the best part is how they’re trying to get their message across. In case you haven’t figured it out already… they have started an ONLINE PETITION. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad.

Don’t these neo-puritanical fucktards realize that there is an on/off switch on their computers? That no one is forcing them to subscribe to an ISP? That they have to power to not own a fucking computer in the first place? That as parents they have the right and the responsibility to control their fugly repressed little offspring? Ah, but even if their own homes were made safe from the big bad drug dealing, boner-inducing Internet, they’re afraid the rest of the country might still enjoy themselves. And lord knows they can’t have that! They are the self-appointed Family Values Traffic Cops. You see, if they can’t arrogantly impose their outdated, shortsighted, closed-minded moral system upon the rest of us, then we “ain’t gwine up to hebbin!” It doesn’t matter if we share their belief system. They have decided they know what’s best for everyone, so if they don’t like it, it has gotsta go!

It’s not like there’s actually anything to worry about. As a general rule, e-Petitions are a complete
waste of time. Still, I keep hoping to wake up one morning to find that the UCAWWW (United Coalition Against the World Wide Web) is a prank being played on us by some 13-year-old hacker in Duluth. The truly scary part is that I can easily believe that some bible-thumping biddies in a Southern state really would think this way. So just in case, here’s a few new commandments for the modern age you ladies in Texas may want to consider:

I. Thou hast the ability to turn off electronic devices
II. If thine Internet offends thee, thou mayst walk away
III. Thou art probably too stupid to own a computer anyway
IV. Keep thy Lord to thy fucking self


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