Kids These Days

I knew I was getting old when this phrase starting actually making sense to me. Being childless, I haven't inflicted my offspring on the world at large and maybe that's why I feel it's all right for me rant about this country's youth. I'm in my 30's so it's really only been a couple of decades since I was a child myself. And I'll tell you, when I was 10 years old I was terrified of adults. Of GETTING IN TROUBLE. I would never have spoken to any grownup the way I hear some of these little monsters talk to their parents. Or to me, for that matter. Little fuckers.

When I'm in the supermarket and I see your fat little daughter turning purple as a result of her screaming tantrum I think to myself "Sweet! Here comes an ass whuppin'!" I mean my mom would have beaten the ever-living shit out of me for acting one quarter as obnoxious. And she would have been right to do it! But instead I hear, in that voice people reserve for puppy dogs and the lightly retarded, "Now Britney, I told you couldn't have a candy bar unless you finished your cafe latte." What the fuck is that?

Or at a restaurant when snot-nosed little Brandon is running around the tables screaming like a Tasmanian devil on a coke binge, and I catch the bedraggled parent's eye and they give me that "What can you do?" look. I'll tell you what you can do... you grab the little fucker by the throat and shake some fucking sense into the mongrel. And if you're not willing to punish your children, then fer chrissakes let me do it!

Look, I'm not advocating violence against children. Child abuse is one of the few things that I really can't stomach. It's an evil, vile, tragic, disgusting practice. But there's nothing wrong with the occasional spanking. There's no harm in teaching your rugrat that there are consequences to his actions! It's not bad to teach the troglodytic fruit of your loins that they should be respectful of others' feelings, especially when in public. When did we forget that in this country?

And another thing... there is no justifiable reason for giving your pre-teen a cell phone. I'm mean jesus, is it really that important for your child to be kept up to date on the latest Justin Timberlake song? Are they expecting an urgent call from the president? For fuck's sake, let your kids actually BE kids, while they can. I mean, we give our kids cell phones and personal computers and credit cards. We let television raise them. Little girls are walking around in padded bras and mini skirts and makeup. When the fuck did I step into this pedophilic Twilight Zone?

I read an article many years ago that talked about the invasion of television into our very psyches. It brought up one point that really struck me as sad, that has stuck with me for all these years. It said that 20 years ago (from when the article was written) if you asked a child to describe a jungle to you, you would get vastly different replies. The kid would actually have to use his imagination, and create his personal idea of a jungle and find a way to articulate it to you. But if "today" you asked a child the same age to describe a jungle, you'd get a Tarzan or Tomb Raider movie regurgitated to you. We're telling our kids that they don't really have to think for themselves anymore, because television will do it for them. And according to t.v., society wants them to be beautiful, shallow idiots with lots of bling.

So please parents, control your hellions. Teach them to respect their elders (when such respect is deserved) and to respect their community. Teach them to think for themselves, and not to be so quick to become another generic soulless consumer. Teach them that if they don't straighten up their act, they might just get a little visit from crazy old Uncle Joe, and he will be infinitely less forgiving than their brain-dead parents.