Monday, October 24, 2005


PETSMART, which is actually a great chain, is holding their second annual Howl-O-Ween costume contest. What this means is that "pet parents" (wow, I actually gagged a little bit while I typed that) dress up their respective animal companions in adorable (read as: masochistic) little costumes and take pictures to send in to the website.
Let's make no bones about it folks, this is a form of animal abuse.
Look, I'm a bona fide dog person. I love my doggie Rookie like you wouldn't believe. I'm not above a little baby talk if there's no one in earshot. I allow myself to labor under the delusion that he actually understands more than a few simple commands when I speak to him. But I recognize the delusion for what it is, and at the end of the day I accept the fact that he is and always shall be nothing more than an animal. Loyal, trustworthy, affectionate... all words I would use to describe my dog. But let's face facts: dogs are pack animals. I'm the alpha male, the leader of his pack, I control the food supply, I take him outside when he needs to do his business, and I scratch his belly when he presents it. But he doesn't stay with me because he chooses to, because of my sparkling personality and rapier wit. And do you know why not? Because he can't. BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING DOG.
Quit treating your pets like they're fuzzy little foreign children who just haven't picked up the language yet. I know this is going to be hard for you to accept, but your dog DOES NOT LIKE wearing the costume. "Oh, he likes it! He wore it all day!" Yeah, because the poor bastard doesn't have any opposable thumbs to assist in removing the travesty you've wrapped around him. He doesn't have the power of speech or he'd be telling you to "get this crap off of me before the neighbor dog sees me or I'll never live this down". Listen, if you really have the overwhelming need as an adult to play Barbie dress-up with something small and furry, get yourself knocked up by a hirsute Italian man (the vast majority of these pet parents are women; let's face it, most men can barely dress themselves). Personally I think that's just as cruel, but at least the child will eventually be able to take off the ridiculous outfits on his or her own, or even tell you to pound sand when you hold up the precious little sailor suit that Aunt Mildred sent for Christmas. Not so with these poor abused animals.
You know how I know they don't like wearing costumes? I mean besides the fact that most of them them jitter and squirm like an Iraqi in Gitmo with his genitals hooked up to a car battery? Because if they really, truly enjoyed dressing up in costumes, they'd do it in the wild. Until I see a Discovery Channel special on rival gangs of wolves killing each other over their shoes and leather jackets I'm going to assume that animals prefer to be animals.
Keep in mind that when you dress up little Bobo as a pirate or a cowboy, you have surrendered not only your own dignity but also that of your pet. And he really didn't have a choice in the matter.


Blogger dodgrdog88 said...

Amen, Sir Joe Ebola. Nothing could be more idiotic than me attempting to dress up my dog, Dukey, to look like anything but... a dog.

3:00 PM  

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