The Fight Against Fucking

So I was reading about all the furor brought about by the hidden sex scene discovered in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas that has since caused the makers of the game to give it an “AO” or “Adults Only” rating. What I find most amusing is that this game actually came out in October of last year and these groups didn’t really have that much of an issue with the content. Don’t get me wrong; I’m a big fan of this game and the series in general. But then again, I am an adult. I can separate fantasy from reality. I understand that just because my character does it in a game, that doesn’t give me the right to run around stealing cars, shooting cops, and mugging and/or killing hookers after I bang them. Although there’s always a few folks who scream about video game violence when one of these titles come out, there was nothing like the flurry of media-fueled outrage that we are seeing now when the game was released. That to me points out one of the basic inconsistencies I see in American society: violence is okay (for the most part), war is actually good, but sex is BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!

Why are Americans so hung up about sex? How did we get so repressed? Are our Puritan roots showing? Maybe it’s time for a dye job. I hate to break it to you folks, but every mammal fucks. That’s what we do. And for a lot of us, watching fucking is entertaining and exciting. Why exactly is this so wrong? It seems that once again I’m going to have to pick on you religious types. Yes, I know I do it a lot, but you’re really asking for it. See the thing is us wacky “liberals” actually believe that it’s okay to agree to disagree, and that somehow we should all be able to “all just get along”. The problem is that you wacky “conservatives” think that the only way we can all get along is if we all disagree with everything you do. Well I’m sorry, but just because you think human sexuality is dirty and sinful doesn’t mean that I should have to.

Think about the ridiculous amount of coverage that Janet Jackson’s nipple received. Oh Your God! A NIPPLE! Run for the hills! Cover the children’s eyes! So let me get this straight… when a baby is born, the most natural and beautiful thing in the world is for a mother to breast feed. But once the baby starts eating solid food, breasts are suddenly verboten? At least until the kid is an adult… and then only behind closed doors with the lights out. Jebus Harold Keerist. This may come as a shock to you, but everyone has nipples. They’re really not as scary as you seem to think they are.

Which brings me to another double standard. Men’s nipples don’t freak anyone out. We can walk around all day without a shirt and no one bats an eye. But if a woman bares her breast in Starbucks to feed her child, the customers are uncomfortable and complain. If a woman goes topless on a beach that is not specifically characterized as “nude”, it’s indecent exposure. Why exactly? Why do boobs have so much power? The irony is that it’s the religious types who give them so much power. They’re so uptight and ashamed of the human form (even though they believe we were made in God’s image) that they build up this huge air of mystery around breasts. I often see articles about a group in Podunk U.S.A. trying to block a strip club in their neighborhood because it’s such a negative influence. Well think about this Mr. and Mrs. Repressed… if you actually demystified the breasts, and Joe Schmoe could walk down to the beach and see all the boobs he wants, why would he waste his money in a strip club?

The problem of course is men. Men supposedly can’t resist temptation. If men see naked breasts, it will invariably lead to fucking. And fucking is even more evil than breasts! Unless of course it’s for procreation. Give me a break. Again it all comes down to each individual’s personal moral system, and a group of individuals who think that their morals are better or more correct than everyone else’s. They have to save us from sex. Lord forbid their children should grow up with a healthy attitude and understanding of sexuality. You’d prefer they know only fear and shame?

Personally, I think the human female form is more beautiful than any work of art, than any concerto. I think it is the very essence of perfection in nature. It gives me great pleasure just to see it. I refuse to be ashamed for feeling this way. Sex is natural, and it happens all around us. If some programmers want to throw a little fucking into an ADULT ORIENTED game, who is it really going to hurt? (FYI, before the “AO” rating, GTA San Andreas carried the “M” for mature, which is the equivalent of an “R” rated movie. "AO" is analogous to an "NC-17" movie.) As an adult gamer, I actually think they should be putting more fucking in video games. I know that I appreciate games that treat me like an adult who can make his own decisions. Another irony is that I have a feeling all this hullabaloo is actually going to increase the sales of this game, even if some retailers have now decided not to sell it. (See, we were okay selling the murder and robbery... but pixels bumping uglies is where we drawn the line!)

So get over yourselves America. Sex is natural. Sex happens every day. Nudity is natural. The human body is natural (well, until we start getting surgeries). You would actually be doing your children a favor if you were open and honest about sexuality rather than making it into some sort of sinful taboo. Think about it: if you tell a kid he can’t do something, he automatically wants to do it 10 times as badly. If you tell him that nakedness is wicked… how long before he’s riffling through dad’s underwear drawer trying to find the Playboys? Just chill the fuck out. You know, I think I’m going to start an organization that lobbies for sexual rights. I’m tired of you religious bastards getting all the cool names and acronyms. Expect my newsletter and website in the very near future.

Joe Ebola, founding member
Americans for the Advancement of Boobs, Butts and Boners (AABBB)