Monday, August 01, 2005

The Joys of Driving

This isn't so much a post as a simple rant. I live in California, where our freeways and highways are not-so-affectionately referred to as parking lots. Here are some of the reasons I'm THIS fucking close to being an 11 o'clock news road rage item:

1) Turn signals: I simply love it when you're in front of me, and you SLAM on your brakes... and THEN decide to grace me with your turn signal. I would very much like to hit you upside the head with a baseball bat... and THEN yell "head's up!" And FYI, a turn indicator does just that: indicates your intention to turn or change lanes. It does not give you free reign to cut across three lanes of traffic expecting that everyone will stop for you. A little blinking light is not the best defense against 2,000 plus pounds of metal moving at high speed, dumbass.

2) The freeway: When there's 20 fucking car lengths in front of you, and I'm so far up your ass I know what you had for lunch, and all the cars on your right are passing you... GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FAST LANE! You do not belong there! It's called the fast lane for a reason.

3) Pay attention: Listen you self-important prick in your shiny luxury sedan, hang up the goddamn cell phone and DRIVE. And Jane you ignorant slut, here's a novel concept for you... how about getting up 10 minutes earlier and putting your fucking lipstick and eyeliner on BEFORE you get in the car, hmm?? That first one really chaps my ass. We managed to go about a hundred years operating motor vehicles without being on the phone. Now it seems like most of you can't conceive of one without the other. So really, which is more important... talking to your vacuous friends about your pathetic lives blissfully unaware of the carnage you're leaving behind you on the roads, or actually having a free hand with which to use your turn signal? Jackass.

4) On surface streets... listen you imbecile, window shopping was meant to be accomplished while walking, NOT WHILE DRIVING DOWN A MAJOR THRU WAY!
5) Window shopping of another color: Look Sparky, I appreciate attractive women as much as the next heterosexual male. But do you really need to slow down to check out every woman driver that you pass? Seriously, what do you think is going to happen? Are your eyes going to meet across the smog laden tarmac, and a string quartet begin to play, and she'll decide there and then to pull over for some hot monkey sex in the back seat? If you want to shamelessly ogle females, go to a tacky singles bar. Don't do it on the friggin' highway.
6) Elderly Asian women driving minivans. 'Nuff said.
All I know is that our intrepid scientists better hurry the fuck up and perfect the Star Trek teleportation technology. Otherwise I just can't be held responsible for my actions.


Anonymous Anne said...

ummm . . . .yeah, always wanted a teleporter, been asking for one for years. Damn, I hate driving, but the u knew that already.

12:16 PM  

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