The Republican Dictionary (A-E)

In my last post I mentioned how much the Republicans hate Liberals, at least that is what I gather from that wonderous google image search. In light of this, I decided that perhaps I should post a Republican dictionary so that we can work to understand our elephant bretheren. Since this gets a bit lengthy, I am going to break it up over several posts (all of the big words have been hypenated, since we know how tricky reading can get).

Abuse n: Modern word for what was once referred to as torture. An interim term, soon to be replaced by "tough love" (which, in turn, is expected to be replaced by "freedom's caress").

Activist Judge, n. A judge who at-tempts to protect the rights of min-orities--most especially homosexuals--against the tyranny of the majority.

Accountability, n. Buck? What buck?

Advise and Consent, n. A process to validate the nominations to key pos-itions made by the President. In the rare occasions where the will of the President is thwarted, this can be dispensed with since it would be inappropriate for him to change his mind or, worse, to submit to the will of the Democrats.

Alarmist, n. Any respected scientist who understands the threat of global warming.

Allies, n. Foreigners who do what Republicans tell them to do.

Alternative Energy Sources, n. New locations to drill for oil and gas.

Balanced, adj. 1. favoring corp-orations (a more balanced approach to the environment.); 2. favoring con-servatives (fair and balanced re-porting).

Bankrupcy, n. A legal proceeding designed to help airlines and other companies reduce labor costs. Re-cently this process has been abused by individuals who did not plan prop-erly for catastrophic illness or divorce.

Bipartisanship, adj. 1. When Dem-ocrats give in.; 2. When conservative Republicans work together with mod-erate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.; 3. Our way or the highway.

"Burning Bush": A biblical allusion to the response of the President of the United States when asked a question by a journalist who has not been paid to inquire.

California, n. A state to be avoided. Populated in most regions by people who obviously are suffering dementia from too much time in the sun.

China: See Wal-Mart.

Civil Liberties, n. Unnecessary privileges that you aren't afraid of losing unless you are a God-hating, baby-killing, elitist liberal who loves Saddam Hussein more than your own safety.

Clarify, v. Repeating the same lie over and over again.

Clean, adj. The word used to modify any aspect of the environment Re-publican legislation allows corporat-ions to pollute, poison, or destroy.

Climate Change, n. Global warming, without that annoying suggestion that something is wrong.

Checks and Balances. 1. The system whereby the campaign checks of the few balance the interests of the many.; 2. An antiquated concept put forward by the Founding Fathers that impedes governmental efficiency for branches under Republican control (see also REFORM). ; 3. A system that, in the unlikely event that the milk toast democrats should ever again control anything, will prevent them from implementing any programs such as raising minimum wages, improving health care, fully funding schools, or raising taxes on the upper brackets that could negatively impact our base.

Class Warfare, n. 1. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage. ; 2. Any attempt to thwart tax cuts for the rich.

Coalition, n. One or more nations whose leaders have been duped, pres-sured or bribed into supporting ill-conceived, unnecessary, underplan-ned and/or illegal US military op-erations.

Conviction, n. Making decisions before getting the facts, and refusing to change your mind afterward.

Culture Of Life, n. A reduction of reproductive freedoms. This should not be confused with concerns for criminals on death row, even if they received an inadequate legal defense, or non-Christian foreigners who might be in the way when freedom is on the march.

Death n: An increasingly rare phenomenon, no longer occurring among soldiers of the U.S. army or civilians in affected countries. How-ever, the media reports that death is still caused by lone gunmen and over-consumption of saturated fats as well as natural disasters.

Death Tax, n. A term invented by anti-tax zealots and referring to a tax used to prevent the very wealthy from establishing a dominating aristocracy in this country.

Democracy n: 1. A product so extensively exported that the domest-ic supply is depleted.; 2. A country where the newspapers are pro-Amer-ican.; 3. When they vote for us. (See, tyranny: When they vote for someone else.)

Democratic Ally, n. Any democracy, monarchy, plutocracy, oligarchy or dictatorship--no matter how ruthless--that verbally supports American dip-lomatic and economic goals.

Democratic Party n. A group of girly men and lesbo women who advocate such subversive ideas as environ-mentalism, progressive tax codes, gun control, or corporate accountability.

Deregulate, v. To pursue greed and exploitation.

Detain, v. Hold in a secret place without recourse to law and treat in any manner one wishes.

Economic Progress, n. 1. Recession; 2. Rising unemployment; 3. Minimum-wage freeze.

Economic Recovery, n. When three out of five software engineers who lost their jobs to outsourcing are able to find part-time work at Wal-Mart.

Education, n. A dangerous process where students are trained to read, to reason, and to critically evaluate what they are told. Many people cling to the quaint idea that education is critical to the success of the nation, so it must be suppressed without being overtly critical. (see No Child Left Behind)

Election Fraud, n. Counting every vote.

Environmental Protection Agency: Economic Predators Inc.

Environmentalist, n. A subversive individual who works against the interests of America by demanding that corporations be responsible for the normal by-products of healthy industries.

Ethics, n. A standard of behavior to be applied to Democrats as a means to discredit them. Ethics never apply to a Republican, as our candidates are granted "Ethical" status as a result of membership in the party.