The Republican Dictionary (F-L)

I bring to you now the second installment of the Republican Dictionary (and before that I just want to add a bumper sticker I saw whilst on a road trip this weekend: Save the Country: Abort Liberals!)

Faith, n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.

Faith-Based Initiative, n. Christian Right Payoff.

Faith Community, n. Evangelicals, because they are saved, and hawkish conservative Jews, because they are useful. Israel is the bait-on-the-hook just waiting for God to take that Rapturous bite.

Fairer, adj. Regressive.

Family Values, n. 1. Oppression of women & gays.; 2. Preventing access to sex education (See also Sex Education).

Fiscal Conservative, n. A Republican who is in the minority.

Fox News, n. White House Press Office. Syn. Faux news.

Freedom, n. What Arabs want but can't achieve on their own without Western military intervention. It bears a striking resemblance to chaos.

Free Press: 1. Government propaganda materials covertly funded with a quarter of a billion dollars of tax-payer money but given out for free to the press and then broadcast without any acknowledgment of the govern-ment's role in their preparation. 2. Newspapers that obscure the truth on behalf of corporate and government interests for free.

Free Speech Zone The area to which those who differ from the administration are confined should they be so audacious as to wish to exercise their right of free speech.

Girly Men, n. Those who do not grope women.

Global Warming, n. A concept developed by tree hugging scientists (see Alarmist) to try and force us to give up our Hummers. It is claimed to be based on a century of weather data and computer models (see Junk Science)

GOD, n. Senior presidential advisor.

Growth, n. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. What happens to the deficits when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

Hard Work, n. What Republicans say when they can't think of anything better. anything better.

Healthy Forests, n. 1. No tree left behind.; 2. Forests made safe from the ravages of nature, i.e. bugs and fires, by removal to pulp mills and lumber yards.

Hollywood, n. A city focused on fantasy. It is populated by people who obviously are suffering dementia from smoking funny cigarettes and spending too much time in the sun. (see also California)

Homeland n: A term successfully used by the Germans and the Soviets in World War II, less successfully (and in the plural) by Apartheid-era South Africa. It means neither home, nor land, has replaced both country and nation in American public speech, and is seldom wielded without the companion word "security." It is used today in a quasi-religious chant when negative news or embarrassing quest-ions call for a change in topic.

Homeland Security: synonymous with Homeland insecurity.

Homeland Security Department: The new Department organized to limit union strength of government employees while transferring Federal dollars to the red states to "improve security. After all, you never know when Montana is to be attacked by al-Qaida. It is best known for its "alert" system, declaring bridges yel-low and the Statue of Liberty orange.

Homeland Security Advisory System: 1. Color-coded program for emotional destabilization and confusion.; 2. A tool to distract America when negative stories are being broadcast.; 3. A system to diminish the electability potential of the opposition.

Honesty, n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences such as: "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives, n. Exclusive club, entry fee $1 to $5 million.

Humble Foreign Policy, n. The invasion of any sovereign nation whose leadership Republicans don't like.

Humbled adj. What a Republican says right after a close election and right before he governs in an arrogant manner.

Insurgent, n. Armed or unarmed, violent or non-violent Iraqi on the receiving end of an American rocket blast or bullet spray, regardless of age, gender or political affiliation.

Intelligence n: Assessment of "the bad guys" used by Dick Cheney to justify a preconceived policy. The CIA must provide this on request and if the CIA does not comply, it can be invented and attributed to the CIA. (See, Iraq, weapons of mass destruction)

Job Growth, n. Increased number of jobs an individual has to take after losing earlier high-paying job.

Junk Science, n. Sound science.

Leave No Child Behind: A program to provide "concern' for schools while cutting funding. (See also unfunded mandate)

Liberal adj: Used to vilify opponents, characterized as effeminate, immoral, and un-American. Widely used after the words progressive, radical, left, revolutionary, and insurrectionary were banned from the mainstream media, having the double benefit of making moderates seem vaguely dan-gerous and making revolutionaries seem vaguely embarrassing and in-effectual.

Liberal media: Ted Koppel and anarchist magazines.