10 Things to Ponder for '06

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:


Number 1 - We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!

Christ's Nuts Roasting on an Open Pyre?

I wanted to briefly weigh in on the supposed "War Against Christmas" that the Right has been blathering about for the last couple of weeks. Just when I think that those who claim to be Christians in this country couldn't get any more arrogant (remember, these are the folks who call their god "The One True God") they go right ahead and prove me wrong. They're pissed off about everything from the White House sending out "holiday" cards instead of "Christmas" cards, they're pissed off if a city, town or municipality calls it a "holiday tree" instead of "Christmas tree", and they're even threatening to boycott stores who's employees wish their customers "happy holidays". They've even started one of those annoying bracelet campaigns, calling it "Operation Just Say Merry Christmas". I'm sorry Christians, but really, you need to grow up and get the fuck over yourselves.

How dare a secular institution like a public school or a place of business have the balls to include others in their holiday wishes? I mean, if there was one thing Jesus stood for, it was excluding those who are different and browbeating everyone into believing the exact same things, right? Who cares that America is supposed to be a cultural melting pot, and that there are other holidays in December like Chanuka, Kwanzaa, the Winter Solstice, and depending on the Muslim calendar, even Ramadan. Fuck those people. If they didn't want to toe the line and worship the same Invisible Father Figure in the Sky as Christians, then they shouldn't have moved here, right?

That's what I really don't get about these people. You always hear about Christian love, Christian charity, and the like. Yet these people use the banner of Christ to do their very best to specifically exclude anyone who doesn't think exactly like them. Don't you asshats realize that "Happy Holidays" means Christians too? A poor clerk working retail during December has enough hectic bullshit to worry about without having to add your self-righteous semantics about the greeting they give you. Believe me, I know. I worked retail for 9 years and after the 23rd nervous breakdown I finally had to get out. When a customer comes into Target (one of the companies threatened with boycott), the minimum wage cashier doesn't automatically know your religion. They don't know if you're a Jew or a Christian or whatnot. So they wish you a friendly "Happy Holidays", which covers all the bases, and you get pissed at them for it?

The number one argument I hear on this subject is that 90% of Americans celebrate Christmas, and that justifies their anger. Well I hate to break it to you Jebus freaks, but I celebrate Christmas and want abso-fucking-lutely nothing do with you or your religion. To me xmas (which I prefer to use, so I don't have to keep typing your imaginary friend's last name into my holiday) means family, friends, food, togetherness, gift-giving, and an overall attempt to be kind and generous to my fellow man. That's it. I don't need to add anything else into it to make myself feel better, and I certainly don't need to exclude people who think differently to make myself feel superior. Most of my family are Christians of one sort or another. Two Christmases ago I had to sit through a bible reading by one of my uncles, even though I think it is utter bullshit. I didn't get up and storm out. I didn't boycott my grandma's house. Yet Christians want us to think that they're being persecuted, that there's a "war" on Christmas, and that somehow "happy holidays" is offensive to them. But "Merry Christmas" to someone who doesn't believe in Christ is totally acceptable. The brilliant Wonkette had this to say:

---

The truth is, anytime someone starts talking to you about how Christians are persecuted in the United States, you are -- right then and right there -- talking to a retard.

---

So get over it Christians. When you're doing your Jesusmas shopping this Jesusday season, and you've had to circle parking lot for 2 hours in your Jesusmobile just to find a parking spot, don't bite off the head of the employee who wishes you Happy Holidays. Be grateful that you're being included, and that someone wants you to have Merry Jesusmas even if they don't say it on those exact words. Maybe if you tried to act a little more like your holy man rather than reacting in knee-jerk fashion to every perceived slight, we'd all be a little merrier this December. I'd like to leave you now with the words of Mr. Garrison from South Park, who sums up the attitudes of these wacky Christians best in the lyrics to the following song:

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS