Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Black Tuesday

I know you’ll be shocked… shocked I say! … but I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. Oh sure, on the surface it looks like a good thing. Not only is it supposed to a time for love and romance, but it’s the one time of year when guys are actually rewarded for dressing their women like cheap French harlots. From my experience most guys simply don’t give a shit anyway, but figure if they play their cards right, buy enough shiny trinkets and act as if they’re not actually thoughtless testosterone factories, maybe they’ll get a little something special. Hell, if he gets her drunk enough, maybe he can even ask for anal.

I am once again single on Valentine’s Day, and let me tell you I’m grateful for it. I think males really get the short end of the stick when it comes to this Hallmark holiday. Think about it: just because the calendar says it’s a “special” day, we’re expected to do something nice, thoughtful and romantic for our significant other.

Personally, I have always been the type to instinctively rebel if you tell me I have to do something. Is it really romantic if the only reason you’re getting the flowers and candy is because I’ll get in trouble if I don’t? Wouldn’t it be more thoughtful if you got the little gifts and roses on say April 7th or June 16th, when it is truly a surprise and done out of caring and desire and not fear of reprisals?

Besides, flowers and candy are just tacky. There’s absolutely no imagination involved. So let’s say that somehow you do manage to think of something truly special and unique to celebrate Valentine’s… that just means that you’re screwed next year. You can’t now rely on the fallback of flowers and candy, because that is so much less effort than before, and it shows you don’t care anymore. You actually have to find something even more special and more romantic than the previous year. Otherwise it will fall short by comparison, which of course once again shows you don’t care anymore. It’s a lose-lose situation my friends.

Just so there aren’t any misunderstandings, I am not a misogynist. Nor am I a bitter old hermit. Well, I’m not bitter anyway. When I’m actually in a relationship, I sincerely try to go out of my way to let my girlfriend know that she is special, and loved, and desired, and needed. But I do so whenever it occurs to me; when it’s random and heartfelt. I don’t do it because the calendar says February 14th. That’s just bogus. Obviously you weren’t paying attention to all the cheesy xmas movies that are on television every year. The whole idea apparently is to hold on the feeling for the entire year, and not celebrate peace on earth and goodwill towards men only for the last week of December. The same should be true of the people you love. Tell them how you feel often and loudly. Don’t wait for an arbitrary date when you’re “supposed” to do it. Where’s the love in that?