Wednesday, August 16, 2006

She Wants a Thesaurus

This link of the 32 Worst Lyrics of All Time has been making the rounds of the intarwebs for the last couple of weeks. It's a pretty good list, and pretty entertaining. The songs they lampoon were all submitted by their users; I wish I'd known about the list beforehand, as I have a doozy.

Theres this band I loathe called
She Wants Revenge. They're one of those new bands that seems to think that 80's New Wave was the be all end all of musical expression. They sound like an even more boring version of Depressed Mode. For some reason the rock station here adores these guys, and plays them at least 5 times a day (which is why I've gone back to only listening to CDs during my commute home). Putting aside the fact that I'm not sure if they actually have a drummer or just use the presets on a circa- 1980 Casio keyboard, and that the "singer's" 3 note range (yes note, not octave) makes him sound sort of like Paul Lynde trying to rap, it's their asinine lyrics that really got me.

(For those of you too young to remember
Paul Lynde from Bewitched or Hollywood Squares, he was the voice of Templeton the rat in the animated classic Charlotte's Web.)

Their first single "Tear You Apart" had juvenile, sophomoric lyrics, but since the song is about a high school love affair I thought it might have just been done on purpose. I thought the song sucked, but it wasnt until their second single that I really started to hate this band.

So, for your viewing displeasure, I present "These Things":

There is nothing to see here people keep moving on

Slowly their necks turn and then they're gone
No one cares when the show is done
(The actual cliché is "nothing to see here, just move along" and it still rhymes you asshats. Also, does your neck actually turn, or would that be your head? I'm just askin'... I dont remember the doctor ever saying "Turn your neck and cough", do you?)

Standing in line and its cold and you want to go
Remember a joke so you turn around
There is no one to listen so you laugh by yourself
(Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're standing in line, aren't you surrounded by people? How can there be no one to listen? Yes, you could be last in line, but then you wouldn't turn around to tell a joke, now would you?)

I heard it's cold out, but her popsicle melts
She's in the bathroom, she pleasures herself
Says I'm a bad man, she's locking me out
It's cause of these things, it's cause of these things
(This chorus is what really got me. Is she outside in the cold with a mysteriously melting popsicle, or is she inside in the bathroom pleasuring herself? Which is it? Maybe she's in a port-a-potty pleasuring herself WITH the popsicle! While that might be someones idea of a hot fetish, it does not good song lyrics make.)

Let make a fast plan, watch it burn to the ground
I try to whisper, so no one figures it out
I'm not a bad man, I'm just overwhelmed
It's cause of these things, it's cause of these things
(It's 'cause of WHAT things? WHAT'S because of these things?? You're overwhelmed because she's locking you out of the bathroom? She thinks youre a bad man because you whisper arson plots? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?)

The crowd on the street walks slowly, don't mind the rain
Lovers hold hands to numb the pain,
Gripping tightly to something that they will never own
(Okay, no complaints here, I actually think these three lines are pretty good.)

And those by themselves by choice or by some reward
No mistakes only now you're bored
This is the time of your life but you just can't tell
(What about those by themselves? FINISH ONE GODDAM THOUGHT YOU GODDAM WINDOW LICKERS! You can't start the sentence with "And" and then not go anywhere with it. And you're only entertained when you make mistakes? Does anyone have ANY idea what the hell this song is actually supposed to be about?)

I hate it when bands are so lazy with their lyrics that they throw two lines together for no other reason than that they rhyme. I'm looking at you, Blink 182! (I wrote a note, then tore it up / remember the time that I spilled the cup / of apple juice, in the hall / please tell mom this is not her fault). The song is about suicide, and yet it was important for the narrator to mention that traumatic apple juice spillage.

Now I'll be honest, I find their music so lame and derivative that I wouldnt like She Wants Revenge even if they were poet laureates, but give me a break here folks. I know people who like this band. They're gaining popularity every day. I have friends who sing along with these songs without a trace of irony! If this kind of barely coherent nonsense is really the kind of lyrical content that gets your motor running, I say you should just stop pretending to any vestige of hipness, and just start listening to country.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Movies About Dancing Are Even Gheyer

Have you folks heard the commercials for the "new" movie 'Step Up'? (I used scare quotes on "new" because when this movie came out earlier this year, it was called 'Take the Lead', and five years ago it was called 'Save the Last Dance') Here's the plot summary from IMDB if for some reason you're interested (you know, brain tumor, developmental problems, masochistic tendencies...)

So I don't know if these are national spots or are only being played in my market, but here's the line that almost made me crash my truck into a tree: "Once every ten years or so, a movie comes along that defines the voice of a generation. At recent screenings, audiences have declared that 'Step Up' is that movie". Are you fucking kidding me? A warmed over, pointless, saccharine teeny-bopper movie about a dancing janitor is the voice that defines a generation?!? Sweet bleeding shitballs people, if I were a member of the generation this movie claims to be speaking for I'd be so offended that I'd be out in the streets tipping over cars and lighting fires. Not to mention the fact that no one over 16 probably attended these screenings, and if you show me a teenager who says things like "this movie defined the voice of my generation" I'll show you an adult criminal who's evading the law by pretending to be a high schooler a la Jon Cryer.

But then I really thought about it, and figured maybe they're not far off. We live in a country in which the populace feels a sense of entitlement yet no sense of personal responsibility. Where how you look is much more important than who you are. Where we're all victims. Where individuality is frowned upon and political correctness is held up as the ideal. Where technology has replaced spirituality (and no, I don't mean religion... don't get me started!) So maybe they're right. But I'll tell you something...

If 'Step Up' truly is the voice of this generation, then this generation is a tone deaf mongoloid with a severe speech impediment.