Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Republican Dictionary (M-R)

Now, on with part three of this lovely little dictionary. I hope by now everyone is beginning to understand our elephant bretheren a bit better.

Mandate, n. 1. What a Republican claims to possess when only 49 percent of the voting public loathes him instead of 51 percent.; 2. The opinion expressed by about a quarter of the eligible voters.; 3. The opinion reflected in an electoral-vote margin smaller than in any 20th century election other than 1916 and 2000.; 4. The opinion expressed by the smallest popular vote margin obtained by a sitting president since 1916.

Media (The) n. Immoral elitist liberally-biased traitors who should leave Republicans alone so they can complete God's work on Earth in peace and quiet, behind closed doors.

Moral Values, n. Hatred of homosexuals dressed up in Biblical language. (See also Family Values)

Modernize, v. To do away with, as in modernizing Social Security, labor laws, etc.

Mullah n: 1. (archaic) Religious teacher or leader, a title of respect in Islamic countries, pronounced "mull-a." 2. (informal) In the modern pres-idential vernacular, a title of dis-respect (pronounced "moo-lah") in ref-erence to Muslims deemed too fan-atical to be bought-off by American "moo-lah."

Neoconservatives, n. 1. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.; 2. Individuals eager to send the sons and daughters of the poor to fight even though they dodged real military service when they could have fought.

Nationalism n: How foreigners love their country (when they do). A very dangerous phenomenon that can lead to extremes of passion, blindness, and xenophobia. (See, Terrorism)

Nonpartisan Judicial Nominee, n. An active member of the Federalist Society.

Northeast n. A region of the country that should be avoided at all cost. Government officials are known to challenge our great leader, George the Lesser, but they can be neutralized in our base (see Southern States) by a rousing chorus of "Dixie".

NRA n. Acronym for the National Rifle Association. An organization that believes its mission from God is to preserve the right to take and Uzi or a fully automatic M-16 out to hunt deer. Our kind of people.

Obstructionist, n. Any elected representative who dares to question Republican radicals on the issue of the day.

Office Of Faith-Based Initiatives, n. 1. Christian Right payoff. ; 2. Used to violate Constitutional separation of church and state.

Oil n: 1. Black gold. 2. (defunct acronym)

Operation Iraqi Liberation or OIL (name changed to Operation Iraqi Freedom, OIF, without explanation). 3. What the Bush ad-ministration wasn't after in Iraq and isn't after in Iran. (See, Democracy)

Ownership Society, n. 1. A society in which no one ever needs to own up to their mistakes or the consequences of their actions.; 2. A society in which Republican donors own the rest of us. 3. A strategy to improve stock prices.; 4. A society where you're on your own.; 3) The euphemism used by Republicans to promote or justify the elimination of Social Security which their powerful supporters don't need. Synonyms: PLUTOCRACY, CORP-ORATE FEUDALISM.; 5. You no longer own your national parks, your public transit, your commons, your government, your Bill of Rights, or your future, but you may purchase a Burger King franchise or stocks with your WalMart earnings.

Patriotism n: How Americans love their country. A trait so positive you can't have too much of it, and if you do, then you are a super-patriot which couldn't be better. (Foreigners cannot be patriotic. See, Nationalism)

Partial Birth Abortion, n. 1. A non-medical term invented to demonize a broad class of abortion procedures; 2. A strategy to reverse Roe v. Wade.

Peace n: What war is for.

Pentagon n: Currently, the official headquarters of the Defense Department, located in northern Virginia near Washington, D.C. This positioning had been strategically un-successful because of the close proximity to Congress. Since Congress insists on questioning the senior DOD team and thus interfearing with their work, The Department of Defense is soon be relocated. Management functions will be moved to a new complex, to be known as the Rumagon, that will be located in Texas adjacent to Halliburton headquarters. This will allow for the installation of a conveyer belt between buildings, permitting more rapid overpayment for no-bid contracts. Operational command will be moved to the new Global Forward Deployment Department or GFDD (Ge-Fudd). Its headquarters will be established in a building now being constructed in Bahrain out of sand imported from the beaches of Texas by Halliburton subsidiary KBR. From there, it can effectively manage world oil supplies.

Philosophy, n. Religion.

Political Capital, n. What a Republican president receives as a result of a razor-thin margin of victory in an election.

Press Conference, n. A rare event designed for the President to brag about his prowess as a leader while simultaneously dodging difficult questions.

Privatize, v. To steal the resources of the national community and give them to private business.

Public Opinion Polls: 1. Progress reports for spin-doctors.; 2. Formerly, validation of President's policies used to intimidate opposition and press.; 3. Current, irrelevant because questions were leading resulting in slanted data.

Reform, n. 1. Rollback of New Deal reforms, laws, standards and social protections. ; 2. To eliminate, as in tort reform (to eliminate all lawsuits against businesses and corporations) or Social Security and Medicare reform (to eliminate these programs altogether).

Republican Party: 1. (archaic) A party that values fiscal constraint and social moderation.; 2. (modern) A party that wraps itself in the flag and the Constitution while it assails the foundations of the Republic, attacking the balance and separation of powers (See, Assertions of Untrammeled Presidential Authority -- to violate do-mestic and international laws for-bidding torture); habeas corpus (See, Assertion of Right to Lock Away "Enemy Combatants" Forever - with-out due process of law); and fed-eralism (See, Legislative and Exec-utive Rampage -- to overturn state court decisions in the Terry Schiavo case).

Resolute, adj. Pig-headed.

Rummy slang: 1. (archaic) A person so drunk he can't recall a thing.; 2. (modern) A SECDEF so drunk on power that he refuses to remember anything.


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